Thursday, March 08, 2007

Mix feelings

Isn't it just strange when you have so many mix feelings that you dont really know how you feel?

My mom has been staying in Japan with me for almost three months now, and I have get to think and feel so many things during this time, not only about she being here, but mostly about myself, and me being here in Japan. I havent really had that much time to clearly think about this, but somehow her stay with me has make me realize how much I've got used to living in Japan, the changes I've had, in my life, my way of thinking, of looking at the world, of living, etc... It made me realize the fact that I'm living my own life here, and not anymore my family's life or the one they want me or I'm suppose to live. I dont mean this in a bad way, but it's just that I got to realize the independence and freedom that I have living by my own here in Japan. And the fact that now I'm responsible for myself, for what I do, the decisions I take, etc.

I guess I still have a lot to think about, and have March to clear my head up, but I feel good that somehow I've get to think about stuff that was in my head but didn't really ever stop to think about. Still I just feel strange right now, feeling sad that my mom is going back, knowing that I'll feel lonely after she goes back, but also looking forward to doing things more freely than when my mom was here, looking forward to meet with friends, to think about stuff, and seeing how I feel about living by my own after staying with my mom for so long. It will be definitely sad to come back from university to a lonely apt, not having anyone at night telling me to turn off the computer and go to sleep, and well, having my mom here with me, and I just got to think about that today seeing my mom packing. Until now somehow I was enjoying my time with her, travelling, showing her around, but honestly sometimes I was looking forward to being by myself as well.

I guess with family its probably like that, and guess not only with family but with other people as well, if you stay to long with them you'll want to be by your own, or with other persons, but in the end you will still miss being with them and having someone there waiting for you.

Well, all for now I guess... I'll enjoy my last days with my mom, and see how I feel being by my own again, definitely I will feel sad, but I just want to think more about it now that I've actualy noticed what living by your own means. Sometimes I guess I just think too much about thinks there is no need to think about but anyway... for now I'll go to sleep...

Sorry for the complicated post, but will like to have your comments... just wondering how other people feel...

I'll have to read it again later with a more clear, and awake head I guess. :p

2 comments:

Minya said...

I know how you feel, the feeling of becoming independent, no longer depending on your family. It feels liberating, and at the same time slightly frightening, and made me very confused... But it is a good feeling, all part of "growing up". It sure makes one think about things though! O.o

Yeah, I used quotation marks on the word 'home' in the comment I left on your Cbox, since for me, the concept of home is constantly changing in a way. I do not think of my childhood home as "home" anymore [would be kinda hard too since we moved a few times and after I moved out at 18, my family relocated to another city (which is the same one I live in now)]. So yeah, I've had my own home since then, and it has changed places several times as well. "Home" for me is where I feel comfortable, and where I can be with the people who I care about. ^^)

At the moment I'm having some trouble getting used to being alone again, since in Japan living in a dorm building surrounded by friends you were never truly alone. Then after that, I was staying with my family, and for the past 3 months I stayed with Evan and his family, so being on my own again is kind of weird but nice at the same time. But I have to say, I'm totally enjoying my independence...;)

Juank said...

Thanks Suvi! It's good to know how you felt, and yeah I'm kind of figuring it out myself. I guess it is part of growing up, specially when you are living by yourself it seems to be something you have to go through, but it does feel better when you've actually confront it and think about it. It does kind of make me feel more confident and sure about myself. :)

Hope everything goes well for you in Finland, finishing uni, and I guess figuring out what to do after that, right?
You are always welcome in Japan if you ever feel like coming to visit :p
Take care!